Truth in Parenting

Parenting can be tough, let's face it. I love my daughter and I love being a parent.  It can be hard hard work, frustrating, and sometimes I long for the days before I became a parent. All of those feelings can exist simultaneously.

In this mini musing I'm sharing some insights that came to me after a particularly tough AM with my daughter. I share the tools that are serving me the best right now. They are great tools for any situation, not just parenting. If you try any of these techniques, I'd love to hear from you!

You can connect with me at: https://www.tracyloring.com/

Here are links to some of the topics I reference:
Embodiment course: https://embodiedfacilitator.com/fec/
ABC Centring technique: https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=wsXHcDBcuEI
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: https://www.miguelruiz.com/the-four-agreements

I wish you the very best on your parenting journey.

Transcript

Welcome to the Creative Musings podcast. I'm Tracy Loring. In today's mini musing, I'm talking about parenting and some insights that came to me after a very tiring early morning with my daughter. So, please bear with the audio. I'm gonna talk about a couple of techniques that are really serving me right now and I'm inviting you to try the same. Whether you are a parent or not, these techniques can be incredibly helpful.

So it's five o'clock in the morning, and I have been awake, since a little before three. My daughter woke up with a bad dream. And lately she just hasn't wanted to go to bed, and she didn't want to go to bed after her bad dream.

And so much is swirling through my head right now and luckily my husband has now taken her downstairs to start her day early. But here's what's coming to me about parenting. 

There are no answers when it comes to parenting. There's no right way, all we really have as parents are tools, skills, and truth. 

You know, you can read as many books as you want, you can listen to as many experts as you want, you can talk to as many friends as you want. And what they'll be able to share with you are their experiences - what's worked for them what hasn't worked for them, data that shows the impact of our actions across, you know, a multitude of data points right. And all of that stuff can be helpful. And it's great to have that in our intuitive soup. But the truth is, in the moment, it's about you and your child in that moment. And all of those bits of information and data go out the window. I mean they're in our intuitive soup but really what it comes down to is you, in that moment, with your child, and they're having a meltdown. 

The best skill we have as parents, is self-regulation. 

The more we can practice that, the more we can be present with our child, the more truth we will be able to see for what the right thing to do is next, the next right thing. Self-regulation is critical. And there are lots of tools that we can have in our toolkit to help us practice self-regulation. 

You know if you can get in touch with your body, that's probably one of the best tools in my arsenal is learning how to center and practicing centering. What I mean by that is just taking a moment and becoming aware of actually what's going on in my body in that moment. 

You know, at 2:51 when I was awoken to my daughter on the monitor talking about a beetle that either she saw or was in her dream, I don't know. The first thing that happened to my body was adrenaline. I've had three hours of sleep at that point, and adrenaline started to rush through my body. So what happens in that moment when I have that adrenaline rushing through my body? I get angry. I want to jump to action, probably want to jump to action first, and then a moment millisecond later, I'm frustrated because I'm tired. I want to sleep. And so, had I walked into my daughter's room with all that adrenaline surging in my body and that anger, I probably would have gone into that room, and yelled, and told her to shut up and lay down. You know, I mean let's face it, parenting is one of the most challenging things I've done in my life. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes it sucks. And sometimes I question whether or not I made the right choice in becoming a parent. But that's where I am, and it was true for me to do, and that is a whole other story, but this is where I am in my life right now. I'm a parent. This is part of who I am.

And so, taking the responsibility for self-regulation has been one of the most life saving things for me and probably for my daughter. You know, I learned through an embodiment course. The course I took with Mark Walsh. And it was the foundations of embodiment certification course. And what it did was it taught me lots of different techniques. But the most important of which was this idea of ABC centering which is becoming (A) aware, physically, not mentally, but physically what's going on with your body. Is my heart racing, or my fingers clenched? Am I clenching my jaw, my forehead crinkled what's going on with my body in this moment? And then acknowledging how am I feeling? Am I pissed off?  Am I tired? Am I angry? Am I scared?

Just taking a moment to become aware of whatever it is.

And then, practicing releasing those muscles releasing that tension and doing it in my body. Because what happens is, we go into situations, and our body is engaged. Even if our mind might know intellectually, that she just had a bad dream, and I know it doesn't mean anything about me and I know I'm not a bad parent because she had a bad dream. Whatever it is, if my body is still physically engaged I'm more likely to act on those impulses because those impulses don't go through the frontal cortex. They don't go through the thinking part of our brain. They go through the part of our brain that's designed for survival. 

So if I can take a moment and help relax my body, center myself physically, then I have more clarity. I have more choice in the moment. I can make better decisions. I can listen.  I can be present. 

So the ABC centering technique, I learned, and there's a really great video on this, that Mark Walsh does and there's lots of different ways you can center. But it was to become aware of that moment, becoming aware of what it is that's going on in my body in that moment. 

And then shifting my balance (B). Finding a way to engage my core muscles. When we are in those moments of adrenaline rush or a heightened sense of awareness or whatever it is, our core can lock up. Our muscles can physically lock up and prepare us to either fight, flight, freeze, whatever it is. And so engaging those muscles in your core can really help break that in your body. And so, adjusting my position, moving things around, just wiggling a little bit. Honestly, twisting from side to side that can really help. And then taking a moment. 

(C) is for your core and for connection. Taking a moment and just noticing wherever it was, noticing tension in my forehead. Taking a moment and relaxing the corners of my eyes. And the corners of my mouth. My tongue. And just with every breath just noticing my feet on the floor, and just feeling sort of that wave of relaxation moving down the center of my body. Relaxing those muscles. Unclenching my hands, unclenching my toes. Feeling my feet on the ground.

And then what can be a beautiful way is to just take a moment and just think of a happy moment with my daughter, or someone else that I love. Just taking a moment and connecting to a moment of joy. That actually activates a part of our nervous system that is in opposition to that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. 

Then what Mark taught us to do is to practice it. 

So it's a very very simple technique. But the important thing is to embed it in your body so you don't have to think about it. So, we practiced it. I set an alarm on my phone for five, six, times a day. Each time the alarm went off, I would practice it in that moment. Stopping, noticing what was going on for me, becoming aware of it. Engaging those muscles in my core to break any freeze response that might be there. And then just centering, you know, calming those muscles down my core and thinking of someone that makes me happy somebody that makes me smile. And I would practice that all throughout my day no matter where I was. And you can do it in the moment it doesn't take more than just 30 seconds. And what that does is it trains your body to do this. And so, the beauty of that is that when you're in a moment and it's three o'clock in the morning, and your child has woken up from a nightmare. And you are abruptly a woken up, and you've got all that adrenaline coursing through your body. You can take a moment and do this technique without even having to think about it. And that helps unlock access to different parts of yourself that aren't trapped in those responses and those fight, flight, freeze responses. And that's when you can access the truth. So what is it that serves the situation? What is it that serves me in supporting my child through this moment?

So that's one tool centering. 

Another tool that is been a game changer for me as a parent is to have a vision for what I want to create in my relationship with my daughter. What's my vision for me as a parent? And for me, it's raising my daughter to live her truth. That's my vision, at its highest.  Your vision isn't what you're trying to avoid - it's not to have a peaceful, uneventful relationship or, where I never get mad at her or anything like that. That's not what I'm talking about with your vision.

Your vision is, at its highest, what is it that you would love to create as a parent with your child? And for me it's raising her to live her truth. And that has a feeling associated with it. And so every day I step into that vision. I connect to it. It doesn't take more than a few seconds. I just reconnect to that vision. What that does, is also embeds for me a practice of connecting myself to the energy of that vision. And when I do that, I can access that vision more easily and from that space. I can ask what serves in this moment. 

So centering helps me break out of the physical response I might be having and having that vision, clear in my mind and accessible, makes it easier for me to step into that energy and go "what can I do to serve my daughter right now?". And that's where the truth comes in.

Being present in that moment, because what your child needs from you in that moment is unique to you and your child in that moment. Nobody can tell you what the right answer is, you'll know it intuitively. 

So, having the skills building the skills of self-regulation. Having these tools like centering, and having a vision for what you want to create. And there's all sorts of other things as well but these are the two that have really been supporting me in parenting, so far. 

These are the things that we can do as parents, on our journey. There's no right way. There are no answers. And there's no being perfect. We're gonna fuck up our children. It's gonna happen. We're human. And you know what, being fucked up in one way or another by our parents is part of our journey as humans. So stop trying to avoid it. Because when you focus on avoiding something you're focusing on creating the thing you're trying to avoid. 

So focus instead on your vision. Let go of trying to be perfect. 

There's a wonderful book I talk about all the time by Don Miguel Ruiz and it's called the Four Agreements. And I'll spoil it for you so spoiler alert. The fourth agreement is always do your best. And what that means to me is that when you set the intention when you say, I'm choosing to do my best as a parent. Know that you will. And you're going to do the best that you can in that moment with the resources that you have. And don't beat yourself up for it. 

I have yelled at my daughter. Absolutely. I have not been at my best. I have been in that adrenaline rush when I've interacted with her. Absolutely. I'm not perfect. And I'm not using that as an excuse to not be better. I'm just being real. 

And I don't beat myself up for it. I know I'm doing my best. And I know parenting can be hard. And I know I can do better. So as a parent, doing our best means doing our best to be our best. And one of the best skills, we can practice for that is self-regulation.

So that's what's coming to me right now. I wish you all the best in your parenting journey.

And I invite you to consider these different these different tools, to explore them. I've just touched on them today and practice is what really makes a big difference. Finding a way to practice self-regulation for yourself and finding a way to really connect with what is it that you would love to create in your relationship with your child. Then you have something to focus on. Something to pull yourself out of those moments when you feel hopeless, or upset, or angry, or you're punishing yourself because you did something you think you could have done differently, whatever it is.

Having that vision is my anchor. It helps me stay focused. And it helps pull me out of whatever darkness I might be in at the moment. And it helps me get to the truth. 

Thank you for listening. You can learn about me on my website at TracyLoring.com. You can also connect with me there if you have questions, suggestions, or would like to discuss anything that we've talked about or any other topics that are relevant to you.

Happy creating!